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Post by Omio on Nov 9, 2006 11:11:07 GMT -6
OOC: Yay, I get to critique. Three-hundred applications seems like a stretch. Unless he's an old soldier (which I doubt he is), three-hundred tournaments in such a short amount of time is pretty unbelievable... Exaggeration. It works rather well. He's maybe had 50 and he knows the papers from top to bottom. One more thing: ten pieces of equipment seems a bit much to carry, especially for a lone traveler. Even if he had a steed of some sort to help him, the horse would be outside and not inside the registration room. In case the fights break his armor a few times, he's got spares to rely on. ((Which to this point, has happened a few times before.)) Sure, they're heavy, and he complains about his back a fair bit, but he'd rather be safe than sorry - Random encounters can sometimes be fierce enough to break armor. <<My reply to TX.>> This post feels a bit forced. Yes, you did write five sentences, but they were all somewhat choppy. I understand that it might simply be the way your character speaks, but you really should add something more other than just dialogue. And I'm trying to learn that skill. This is precisely why I don't intend on applying for Advanced RPer until I've finished at least 5 small RP's here without critical flaw, or 1 full chapter at RPH2 without even a minor flaw. Not only do the fifteen pieces of armor clash with your previous claim of "ten spare pieces of equipment," it's also unconvincing and unrealistic. No one would carry so many weapons around with him, especially if he travels a lot. Actually, with the number of things that can break armor, ((That I know of, anyways...)) carrying 2 extra sets of armor would be casual. Alas, considering that the durability of the armor is insignifigant, (if not inexistant) wolves can shred the gear right off with just a single paw.
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Xanther
Full Roleplayer
A timid person is frightened before a danger, a coward during, and a courageous person after.
Posts: 205
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Post by Xanther on Nov 9, 2006 13:14:26 GMT -6
Xanther stepped cautiously through the entrance of the lobby. Smoothing down his trench coat, he looked around. An arena eh? This should be an interesting experience... A few people in the room caught his eye, especially the towering dragonkin.
"Heh...wouldn't like to get into a fight with him" he muttered under his breath. Reaching the secretary's desk, he returned his gaze to the woman infront of him. "Is this where I sign up? What are the rules?"
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Post by Omio on Nov 9, 2006 14:44:47 GMT -6
((I don't have much to say, but I'll give a hint or two. Xanther stepped cautiously through the entrance of the lobby. Smoothing down his trench coat, he looked around. An arena eh? This should be an interesting experience... A few people in the room caught his eye, especially the towering dragonkin. "Heh...wouldn't like to get into a fight with him" he muttered under his breath. Reaching the secretary's desk, he returned his gaze to the woman infront of him. "Is this where I sign up? What are the rules?" Usually, people don't talk to themselves unless they want someone to hear them. Alas, whatever you end up muttering could be an insult to whom it applies to. With thoughts, putting them on a separate line will keep a little clarity. This is also true with dialogue, or a mix of the 2. But, if there isn't a lot of thought, you don't need to worry about it too much. With your post, You've done perfectly, but keep this hint in mind with long posts. Another thing to do sometimes - Elaborate about EVERYTHING. Sometimes, if the detail isn't there, you can add it. F0n9 only said that the reception lady was blonde. There's more detail possible. Think everything through. As is, I've missed this detail too, but only with the thought of having someone else possibly adding this 'minor' detail.
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Post by Whisper Shadowlight on Nov 9, 2006 15:55:03 GMT -6
((OOC: Why's everyone giving critique? Why not play the game?))
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Post by Omio on Nov 9, 2006 16:37:54 GMT -6
((Critique are most hints for future reference - alas, they're OOC, so you can resume the RP. As you could be doing right now. That is, if you were online, anyways.))
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Post by Arynielle Fallyce on Nov 9, 2006 16:55:06 GMT -6
OOC: Yay, I get to critique. Three-hundred applications seems like a stretch. Unless he's an old soldier (which I doubt he is), three-hundred tournaments in such a short amount of time is pretty unbelievable... Exaggeration. It works rather well. He's maybe had 50 and he knows the papers from top to bottom. You don't want to exaggerate like that. It confuses the other RPers. Your character might like to tell tall-tales, but you, as the narrator, cannot. In case the fights break his armor a few times, he's got spares to rely on. ((Which to this point, has happened a few times before.)) Sure, they're heavy, and he complains about his back a fair bit, but he'd rather be safe than sorry - Random encounters can sometimes be fierce enough to break armor. That's not my point. Omio might be a cautious person and want to take care of things before they happy, but it's physically impossible to carry so much armor. What you're having your character do is a form of god-modding. Not only do the fifteen pieces of armor clash with your previous claim of "ten spare pieces of equipment," it's also unconvincing and unrealistic. No one would carry so many weapons around with him, especially if he travels a lot. Actually, with the number of things that can break armor, ((That I know of, anyways...)) carrying 2 extra sets of armor would be casual. Alas, considering that the durability of the armor is insignifigant, (if not inexistant) wolves can shred the gear right off with just a single paw. I never said that carrying an extra set of armor is wrong. All I'm trying to point out is that fifteen pieces of armor plus whatever accessories he has would be nearly impossible to carry by one person. ((OOC: Why's everyone giving critique? Why not play the game?)) Well, this is the remedial RP... it's specifically designed for people who want critiques on their writing.
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Post by f0n9 on Nov 9, 2006 16:56:30 GMT -6
Omio,
You do not get to join the remedial RP, admit that you are not an Advanced RPer, and then in the same breath try to critique someone else's post. That's called hypocrisy.
Furthermore, this is the moderators' job. We created this thread, we maintain this thread. Like Whisper said, this is supposed to be fun first, educational later. Let us deem when a situation requires critique. It's not your job.
Cordially, -f0n9.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The blonde behind the desk turns to Xanther with a smile, and rattles off what is clearly an overused speech. "Rules are simple, hun. There's a new event every ten minutes; you can enter by yourself or in a team. If you win, you get a medal. If you lose, you get nada. Win more medals, trade them in for prizes. Or, you can pick up tips from other fighters by talking in the Lobby. Questions?"
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Post by Shiori Ailill on Nov 9, 2006 17:01:22 GMT -6
((edited since other people already answered before I finished my post >_<U
Um.. is there a certain way we have the critique either someplace else... or make it so that everyone does the critique a certain way so it looks differently from the RP posts? Just a thought.))
Shiori strode in, her violet, shoulderless trenchcoat flowed gently behind her. She looked at the other fighters signing up in the arena. Over to her right there was a single mage in green robes trying to psych herself up for her next fight. A red-haired monk conversed with his ebony-tressed companion at the registration counter.
Hand on her hip, she took in the rest of the combatants, "Well, this looks like it'll be fun. A nice way to kill some time at least. What do you think Amaro?" The half-elven angel turned her head over her shoulder and smirked at her eternal animal companion.
The royal blue-furred kitsune trotted up next to Shiori. He then winked one of his light, crystal blue eyes and tilted his head a centimeter up and down. Amaro already was getting a number of looks from both the guests and the employees of the Arena, and he didn't want attract even more attention by displaying his ability to converse with the humaniod races. He didn't really have time to vocally reply anyway as the two fighters at the register had left and Shiori was already making her way for it.
"Um... Hello, Wou.. would you like to register for the arena?" A small girl with a small mousy face looked up at Shiori. Her short, pink hair and yellow eyes clashed with both her timid demeanor and her neutral arena employee uniform. The blonde had left her in charge while she went for a quick bathroom break, and the poor girl looked terrified, as if Shiori was a snake and she was a mouse stuck in a corner.
Shiori gave a soft, motherly smile to the girl, "Yes I would, is this the application here?" Shiori began filling out the application while staying at the counter so the girl wouldn't have to deal with more customers until the blonde came back. "Here you go," the blue-haired angel gave the application back to the girl.
The pink-haired employee sighed as she took the application, see her supervisor coming back from behind Shiori. "Um... Would you please go over that way to receive your moderator and wait for your turn? Thank you," The girl gave a small but genuine smile.
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Post by Omio on Nov 9, 2006 17:40:51 GMT -6
((Fair. I shall leave. And amongst myself, I lay cursed. These grounds shall never see me again.))
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Xanther
Full Roleplayer
A timid person is frightened before a danger, a coward during, and a courageous person after.
Posts: 205
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Post by Xanther on Nov 10, 2006 13:28:12 GMT -6
"Questions? Hmmm...no, I think I'm okay."
Xanther's lips curled upwards slightly. He subconsciously slid his katars out from his sleeves then back in again.
"I'll be entering by myself. So, how long to wait until the fight?"
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Post by f0n9 on Nov 10, 2006 17:03:10 GMT -6
((edited since other people already answered before I finished my post >_<U Um.. is there a certain way we have the critique either someplace else... or make it so that everyone does the critique a certain way so it looks differently from the RP posts? Just a thought.)) // Fair enough. From now on, we'll do critiques like this.
Shiori strode in, her violet, shoulderless trenchcoat flowed gently behind her. She looked at the other fighters signing up in the arena. Over to her right there was a single mage in green robes trying to psych herself up for her next fight. A red-haired monk conversed with his ebony-tressed companion at the registration counter. Hand on her hip, she took in the rest of the combatants, "Well, this looks like it'll be fun. A nice way to kill some time at least. What do you think Amaro?" The half-elven angel turned her head over her shoulder and smirked at her eternal animal companion. The royal blue-furred kitsune trotted up next to Shiori. He then winked one of his light, crystal blue eyes and tilted his head a centimeter up and down. Amaro already was getting a number of looks from both the guests and the employees of the Arena, and he didn't want attract even more attention by displaying his ability to converse with the humaniod races. He didn't really have time to vocally reply anyway as the two fighters at the register had left and Shiori was already making her way for it. "Um... Hello, Wou.. would you like to register for the arena?" A small girl with a small mousy face looked up at Shiori. Her short, pink hair and yellow eyes clashed with both her timid demeanor and her neutral arena employee uniform. The blonde had left her in charge while she went for a quick bathroom break, and the poor girl looked terrified, as if Shiori was a snake and she was a mouse stuck in a corner. Shiori gave a soft, motherly smile to the girl, "Yes I would, is this the application here?" Shiori began filling out the application while staying at the counter so the girl wouldn't have to deal with more customers until the blonde came back. "Here you go," the blue-haired angel gave the application back to the girl. The pink-haired employee sighed as she took the application, see her supervisor coming back from behind Shiori. "Um... Would you please go over that way to receive your moderator and wait for your turn? Thank you," The girl gave a small but genuine smile. As Shiori turns in the indicated direction, she almost plows into her moderator. Said moderator, taken a bit aback, stumbles back slightly before regaining his composure. "Er-hem, yes, right," he begins, the cultured tenor of his voice echoing out from beneath a bushy white mustache. "Tiberius Wilberforce Reginleif at your service..." he extends his hand to shake the angel's, his grip firm but warm. "I'll be your moderator for the length of your stay. ...oh, if you don't think you can remember that whole moniker, you can call me Ti. Or Reggie. Just not Wilbur," he says with a shake of the head, grimacing. "Just bad form, chap. Bad form all around." "Well, welcome to the Fourth United Sylvarant Arena, or FUSA for short," Ti (or Reggie, but not Wilbur) rambles as he leads Shiori towards the arena gates. "I assume you heard the rules; if you have any questions at all, feel free to ask now. If not, we can always start your match." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- (Xanther) "The next match will begin in two minutes," chirps a light, female voice from behind Xanther's ear. The voice's owner, a small blue pixie dressed in a Robin Hood-esque outfit, alights on his shoulder and gives a small curtsey. "I'm Rhea, and I'll be your moderator for your stay here!" she explains. "Have any questions for me? Or would you like to get right to starting?" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- (Ari/Aleu) "Very well then," Turen calls down to you. He looses a massive bow from his back, nocks an arrow, and fires it at the large red switch over the leftmost gate. The gate begins to shake ominously, as if something massive is approaching from the other side. "Prepare yourselves!" he calls, half to warn the two and half to rouse the audience, who immediately set themselves to cheering lustily. "The Behemoth approaches!" Suddenly, the gate (solid stone, by the by) splinters into a thousand shards as a huge, muscular figure charges clear through it. Over nine feet tall and bearing a massive warmace in his hands, the Behemoth certainly lives up to his name. His beady red eyes glance about the arena to settle on his two challengers. He tilts his head back and looses a mighty roar, which merely whips the audience into another cheering frenzy. His gaze re-settled on the challengers, the Behemoth slowly advances towards them, each step slow and ominous. "Begin!"
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Post by Aleu on Nov 10, 2006 21:10:08 GMT -6
Kapu gulped past the lump in his throat; he was in it and there was no turning back. Freaking out wouldn't get anything done. He opened Whirr with his right thumb, finished the incantation, and thrust his left palm forward.
"Prism Sword!" A wide circle drew itself around the Behemoth, filling itself in with a stained-glass window-like pattern. Four spheres emerged at the "corners," which simultaneously rose up into the air around the beast. It took another step before the light solidified into the shape of spears, and shot through the air in a swift volley. It dissipated against its flank, and the fifth sword that drove into it from above didn't seem to have an effect.
Kapu cursed. He moved forward to give Ari room, and lifting Whirr, he swung the fan in a huge, horizontal arc, releasing a massive magic-infused gust of slicing wind towards the creature. The force of the swing caused him to overstep slightly, almost tripping and having to do a quick hopskip to keep upright.
Nothing short of a military bunker could have stood up to that blast the way the Behemoth did. It shielded its eyes briefly, and the sheer force of the air caused the sand and dirt around it to fly up, but the only remnants of the encounter were a few tiny scratches in its side. The arena walls bore foot-deep scars. Kapu swore again.
"Any ideas?" he called back sardonically, eying the war mace warily and then bracing himself for the first swing. It came vertical, and Kapu stepped to one side and partially deflected the blow with Whirr. The force almost wrenched the weapon out of his hands, forcing him to make hasty retreat.
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Post by Arynielle Fallyce on Nov 10, 2006 21:20:05 GMT -6
((Aleu posted a few minutes before I did... lemme edit.))
"Whew..." A sigh of relief escaped Ari's lips. "At least it's not a spider," she mused to herself and Kapu. She smiled cheesily. "You know that I don't do spiders." Ari knew that he knew; it wasn't easy to forget the first time they had met. In a cave. With a spider. A large spider. She couldn't help but shiver at the thought. But oh well! Time's a-wasting! With a wave of her hand, she called Kapu's attention.
"Go for it, Kapu. You know I'm right behind you." With that said, a small circle was cast around her and she hopped into a spell-casting stance. She planned on starting with a strong offensive spell, especially since no one was injured yet and the Behemoth was still a distance away.
Just as Kapu finished his final attack, Ari had completed her somewhat lengthy incantation. She raised her hand into the air, and in a directing motion, waved it towards the beast. Seven bolts of fire, one after another, flew down from the sky, aimed directly at her enemy. The sandy floor was disturbed into a thick cloud of brown dust, fogging out everyone's sight. Ari could feel the warmth of the fire as it hit, drowning the Behemoth in flames. As the dust faded away it revealed something unbelievable...
((Edit = done.))
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Post by f0n9 on Nov 10, 2006 21:30:06 GMT -6
Turen smiled and made a mental note of that last comment, watching with interest as the shapeshifter charged with fan whirring. "Spiders, hm..?" he murmured to himself, before returning his gaze to the Behemoth.
Said Behemoth had hardly even noticed the spells that smashed themselves against his hide. The fire did the most damage, leaving some minor burns along its legs and singing the loincloth it wore. To its credit, the Behemoth was still trudging gamely forward, raising its mace overhead as Kapu charged. "Yay, time to break things!" it cheered, for all the world a gargantuan ADHD patient. Rather than swing vertically, as that hadn't worked last time, the Behemoth spun sideways; the head of the mace, easily the size of a small boulder, skipped along the ground in a circle around him. His big, toothy grin widened as the spiked mace arced towards the charging Kapu.
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Post by Arynielle Fallyce on Nov 10, 2006 22:00:10 GMT -6
"Kapu!" Ari's cry filled the air as the beast emerged from the flames and dust unharmed. It charged at her companion, swinging its mighty mace at him. Crap! Crap! Crap! This can't be good..! "Get out of there!!!" She would have casted a spell or something along those lines, but she had no time to chant an incantation strong enough to divert the Behemoth's attention.
There was no way Ari could finish the battle if Kapu was knocked out... she was a supporting figure in battle and never relied on brute force to win. Her martial skills were up to par, but they wouldn't save her in this situation. Especially against such a strong opponent. Even if he survived and was simply injured, the half-elf could alleviate his wounds-- He had better not die... Everything seemed to creep by slowly as she watched helplessly, hoping that Kapu could escape the blow.
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